Category Archives: Personalities

The Seven Deadly Jenns: Ninja Squirrel

Here we are at the end of the list. I’m not sure if I’ve saved the most deadly for last.  Any of the ladies listed so far would be more than adequate to put a serious hurting on anyone.  These last two though, there’s a certain something that makes them just seem a it more dangerous.  I’m not sure if it’s their charm, sneakiness, or mesmerizing ways that will cause a fall down the rabbit hole faster and further than the others but there is an element of doom here that just seems to give them a bit of a push.

Jenn Colliau – Ninja

It seem that whereever you turn on the west coast if you’re doing anything spiritous she’s there.   Either smiling behind the bar, running the show behind the bar, or providing her fabulous syrups to make the drinks that much tastier and therefore even easier to suck down way too many of, she turns up all the time.  Not even in an announced way.  There you’ll be walking blithely into an event and you’ll catch glimpse out of the corner of your eye.  Suspicions aroused you go in search and yup, there she is.  Doing the opposite of ninja vanish, she ninja appears, but instead of throwing stars maybe you need some coconut cream, or pineapple gomme syrup, and there it is, ready to make everyone in the room go veering off the path of sobriety.

What are these?  Oh they’re vitamins, I swear.

 

Jenny Adams – Unicorn Squirrel

Jenny Adams was the inspiration for this series, southern belle, writer, and magic.  Oh and by the way, she’s one of those people you just refer to by her full name always.  She’s persistent and her magic makes all things seem reasonable and just a fun idea.  Jenny Adams will also do you the courtesy of squirreling out with you and transform both of you into hot messes. (Note to self, write post about squirrels)

Seriously, Agave + Jenny Adams  = ow my head.  Everything just seems like a good idea when Jenny Adams proposes it.  If I can recall correctly this is how a typical conversation goes with Jenny Adams.

“Here have some mezcal”

“Have another mezcal”

“Where’s your mezcal?”

“You know what would be a great idea?  You should totally do the polar bear swim in an hour, but first you need more mezcal to keep you warm.”

Then while you freeze your ass off and feel  your hangover kick in Jenny Adams has written ten great articles and reloaded with agave.

You’re screwed, but you’re going to have fun.  See you at the pool.

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The Seven Deadly Jenns: There’s a Method to the Madness

Moving on to the next batch of deadly Jenns, these two are distinguished by a certain mania that they bring to everything.  Not that mania isn’t a good thing.  After all, we’d be awfully bored if everyone was normal, and I challenge anyone reading this to claim that they are entirely normal. I’m not going to believe you.  I’m not calling you a liar, you’re just deluded and look we’re back to not normal.  See?  You can’t escape it.  Just like you can’t escape this pair.

 

Jenn Corrao – The Planner

A walking party, she always has a plan, and it usually involves lots of stops on the road to inebriation.  You get caught up in her energy and you go willingly to your doom. As you go traipsing along you realise that there is a route planned for the day and none of it involves an off ramp to escape the madness that will be coming.  Following her from stop to stop, bar to bar, party to party, the endless cavalcade of intemperance makes for a long blur that replays in your head the next day in a totally hazy, slightly out of focus way, like your own personal home movie of destruction.

Come on, just one more stop.

 

Jennifer Contraveos -The Mania

There’s no hiding that glint in her eye. You’re going to be in trouble if she gets a hold of you.  She doesn’t bother hiding it, it just seems like such a great idea.  I don’t believe that the words that’s just way too crazy has ever meant anything to her.  Careening along at a manic pace you’re going to love your trip through the asylum.  Whether or not you come out at the other end is up to you.  As insane as the festivities may seem, your best bet of coming out at the other end is to embrace the lunacy and hold on for dear life and fantastic experiences.  If she makes it out you should too.  Probably

This way to the Egress… maybe

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The Seven Deadly Jenns: Subtlety and Grace

Today brings us two more of the Seven Deadly Jenns.  I paired these two together because of all seven of them these are the most innocent seeming.  With these two you won’t know what you have signed on for until the next morning, or afternoon.

Jenn Farrington – Personal Papparazzi.

Jenn will be there to fully encourage you in anything you come up with, and makes it always seem like your idea.  Then she documents it in beautiful photos that leave no chance of not incriminating yourself.  That goat?  Yeah, she got a picture of you with it.  She is he most unthreatening of the Jenns, or so it seems.   There’s no mad glint to her eyes, just a subtle slide down the path to mayhem and hepatic pain.  Everything is just fun and games after all, she exudes an aura of being so reasonable and she’d never lead you astray.  Then the camera flashes and you’re caught for posterity or ridicule, usually both. The evidence of your antics and folly following you as long as the electronic ether serves pictures to your friends, namely forever. That camera isn’t a warning either as it is almost permanently welded to her hand.  As a truly talented photographer you just think it’s there to document the mundane or take fantastic photos of the more normal things in life.  There’s just no knowing and that’s when she gets you.

Clic.  Damn!

 

Jennifer Boelts – Time Vortex

The most innocent seeming of the Jens, Jen Boelts seems like a mild mannered type.  She will sit there and claim that she just can’t hang with the really hardcore types.  Then hours later you realise that you’re still at the bar with her, with a steady procession of drinks having gone by and down your throat.  Seriously, there you’ll be having started in that bar stool while the sun was bright and there was so much ambition in your heart to get things done.  When your bladder finally snaps you out of the land of the lotus eaters you realise that it’s last call.  The many hours since you sat down have welded your buttocks to your seat and you have accomplished nothing at all save for having had a good time, and really, isn’t that better than actually being productive?

Sit down, look it’s still early you have plenty of time left……

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The Seven Deadly Jenns: Introduction and the First Jenn

Oh, for a muse of booze, that would descend

The dimmest dive bar in New Orleans

A Carousel for a stage, barmen to pour

Drunkards to behold, and antics to ensue!

Then should the Deadly Jenns, like themselves

Assume the port of the Sins, and at their heels,

Leash’d in like Furies, should luges, laybacks and slushies,

Crouch to be emptied down throats, laying waste to all.

 

Apologies to William Shakespeare, but the Seven Deadly Jenns seemed to need a better introduction than I could give on my own.  Who are the Seven Deadly Jenns and why name them thusly?  Well, these ladies all happen to be named Jenn in one way or another, whether Jenn, Jen, Jenny, Jenifer, and so on.  They are also every single one of them wonderful and amazing people, until the drinking starts.  Then, they’re still awesome, but now they are also deadly to your liver, your brain, your health, and sanity.

I have decided to put this guide together so that if you should encounter any of them you can either run screaming to or from them.  On the one hand your body will thank you, on the other your life will be the poorer, because no matter what these ladies represent something that is near and dear to my heart. Wait, is that my heart?  Hmmm, it might be my stomach. What’s that gurgly feeling when you can feel a craving for something but your stomach starts rebelling at the mere though of it?  Either way, these ladies represent some of what is best in the spirits and cocktail world, style, knowledge, panache, and an inability to take themselves too seriously.

 

Jennifer Morgenthaler Brooke – The Sniper

Yes, the sister of that Morgenthaler and recently made Joe Brooke one of the best and nicest gentlemen in the industry one of the luckiest as well.  She sits from afar and just waits for you to settle in and get comfortable at the bar. Then, wham!  Out of nowhere shots appear, and I’m not talking the “Yipee!  We got shots!”  Oh no, she uses her network of informants your own complacency to figure out exactly where you are, then figure out who’s working and then the batphone rings and your doom is sealed.  We’re talking about the wince inducing, head starts to hurt pre-emptively, sort of shots.  Of course she knows that none of us are ever going to turn them down, just curse her name, cheers her reach (I did that for you J. Mo), and slam them back.

Don’t let that innocent smile lure you into any false sense of security.  Behind those shades lies a calculating and far reaching lady, who strikes when least expected.  Watch out for her, but you won’t see her coming.

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